Homosexuals Anonymous

Offering Guidance, Fellowship & Care

The Fall

So You Fell. Now What?

We all know that: We've had the best intentions and theoretically we also knew what was right and what we were supposed to do - and yet we fell and had sex. Now what?

Here some points to ponder:

1) Satan always gives us two pairs of glasses: The first one you get bevor you sin, It makes sin look so small it is almost non-existent. The other one you get after you fell. Now sin appears so big you get the impression you really blew it with God this time. He would never forgive you and you would always stay "gay". Remember that both are from the master of lies! Both is wrong!

2) Talk to someone you trust in. Sin always seeks darkness. Do the opposite - bring it to light!

3) A fall usually starts with something like "I only wanted" or "I just wanted to..." ("have a cup of coffee with this gay friend of mine" or something like that). We think this is not a big deal while at the same time knowing all too well that we set ourselves up for a fall. We "only" have a cup of tea in this gay bar and we "just" go to this gay friend's house to take a look at the new furniture... Note: This chain of actions is easiest to stop at the beginning. The further down you go, the harder it will be for you to stop (once you are at his house, the last step is only so far away). 

4) Under what circumstances are you most prone to fall? For some it is boredom, anger, frustration, stress... Once you know all of that you can take the necessary steps in order not to get into this situation to begin with anymore. For example you might want to schedule your week ahead of time so boredom will not even come up.

5) Needs: Many people don't even know what needs they have. Check a list online and think about which ones of them are met and where you still need to take some action. All too often we numb our needs with sex . However, sex does not heal and it does not satisfy all of our needs. So if there is some catching up to do with social needs, go look out for healthy friends (that is friends that bring you closer to your goal).

6) Painkiller: Sometimes we use sex to numb past hurt (like from childhood days or current conflicts). Confront those hurts - if necessary with a therapist!

7) Be brutal! Away with everything that might further a fall (porn, the old address file with sex contacts...)!

8) Goals: Formulate goals! You need to write them down SMART (specific, measurable, acceptable, realistic, terminated). Goals always need to be positive and in present tense. You need to be able to reach them yourself and the must boost your motivation. Picture your goal on a regular basis in your mind and check your senses while you are doing that! What are you smelling, tasting, feeling, hearing when you do that? Like that your neuronal synapses in your brain will start to build and spread which will help you reach you goals. 

9) Resources, potentials: What resources and potentials do you have? Where are your strengths? Where do you still need help and with whom will you ask for it?

10) Self discipline, stress- and frustration tolerance, being able to resist impulsive behavior - make sure you are working on strengthening those necessary skills!

11) Healthy life: This is an absolute must: leading a healthy life in every aspect - healthy food, sports, no drugs (including alcohol!), learning relaxation techniques and a healthy spirituality!

From an online member on falling and how to get back up again:

"The last time I fell, on my way back home I was feeling disgusted for what I had done, scared and angry with myself. Same old story.

As soon as I got home, I committed for sex sobriety again. Same old story too. I had already done it unsuccessfully many times before.

I took a box of condoms from my pocket; it was still full so I moved it to my drawer.
In that moment I realized that I was cheating on myself. I wasn’t really committing to quit my sex addiction. In my mind, I was still planning to use those condoms with random people someday.

I realized that till then I had lied to myself and to God. My commitment wasn’t true.

I went down the street and I threw the condoms box into the rubbish bin.

I can’t really explain what happened after that. In my mind I immediately felt an empowering sense of relief. In the following months I felt that God had acknowledged my sincere commitment and I felt His strong support in my struggle.

So the advice taken from my personal experience is: Be honest in your commitment and shut every door that evil could use to enter your mind and soul."

Think of Going Back to the Gay Life? Think Again.

I left the gay scene in 2004. In all those years ever since I slipped once. Am I a failure because of that? Certainly not. Most of us are Christians. Yet we keep on sinning. Does that make sinning better? Not really. Does it mean I am all fake and in fact a gay man that only denies his true self? Wrong again. This is propaganda and wanna-be psychology.

Here the lessons I drew after I returned to the right path:

Be brutal. Eliminate all triggers. Get rid of everything and everybody that tempts you to fall. No excuse. Just do it.

Have an accountability partner.

Confess your sins.

Find out why you did it. What emotional or other need did you try to fulfill by that? What hurt did you seek to numb?

Trust me in one thing: You will certainly not find there what you are looking for. The gay scene has changed since I left. What was extreme yet accepted back then is pretty much normal now. Yes, some are married - either to someone of the same or the opposite sex. That does not prevent them from looking out for other sex partners - with or without the consent of their spouse. Some seem to be addicted to sex. The sexual experiences they seek get wilder with every sex act for them to get the same high. I was very sad to see what they are doing to themselves and to others - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I'd say a good number of them realizes something is wrong. They complain that gays are only out for sex. That the person itself is exchangeable. Yet it does not lead to consequences - they keep on seeking love at the wrong places.

From my own experience I can tell you that most - if not all - gay men I met are unable to build solid relationships. Oftentimes they just use their partner to fulfill their own sexual, emotional, social and whatever else needs. In many cases I had the impression that the partners were not at the same level, but that one had a dominant position and the other was emotionally dependent. I can't really say I have ever found a single gay couple were I would acknowledge that it was even remotely compareable to a straight one. They just were not.

Be honest. Sin always seek darkness. It is no shame to fall. Yet it is one to try to hide it, to try to excuse it or to even build up a theology that allows you to keep on doing what you don't want to stop.

Even in those days when you fell: never break up with God. Stay in contact. Don't stop praying. He will listen and answer. Maybe not in the way you expect Him to, but He will.

Satan ususally wraps everything in gold, else none of us would ever fail. Everyone of us can fall. No exception. Never think that you won't - that is the foot that satan will have to your heart then. He will use it to get in one way or the other. Even if you don't fall sexually, there are other ways to sin.

Yes, some things seem tempting - and I am not just talking sex. The man you meet might be ever so nice. A good and wonderful person that cares a lot for others. That might be so, but starting a relationship with him will neither give you nor him what both of you were looking for. On the contrary, it will destroy it.

Never measure an ex-gay walk by the number of sexual falls you had - or by the lack thereof. As I said - there are other ways to sin, and all of us are guilty of that. Pride (as gays boast themselves of so many times in their parades) is the root of all evil.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You fell - now get back up on your feet and use the fall to learn from it and pass on your lessons.

After I fell I thought why, I have seen the gay life now (again). And there is no way I ever want to go back there. It is just not worth it. On the other hand, I have something that is worth so much more: following Jesus Christ.

I will keep on using my sexual energy another way: to let my gifts and talents grow.

One last thing: Jesus did not call us to found religious clubs, to sit in houses and wait for poor sinners (of course not ourselves) to knock on the doors. He commanded us to go out and make disciples. In my walk among gay people I saw that none of them had ever heard of ex-gays. As to the Christian faith, their views were usually filtered through gay propaganda. Why? Because we made a living out of touring in Christian circles and preaching to the choir. Of telling those who already shared our opinion about our walk. Of selling them our books and charging them for our talks. However, those who need us most are still alone.

I will also stop to only think sex when I think of my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. They are more than that. Yes, there are many wonderful people among them and I feel blessed, honored and thankful that God allowed me to get to know them.

All of that will equip me better from now on to reach out to all (!) people with same-sex attractions. Because I love them like Jesus does. I will not just tell them that it's wrong to life the gay life because the Bible says so but I will share the fullness of our faith with them through my words and deeds, not just by quoting Bible verses along with my personal interpretation of them.

Why? Because I love them. My heart goes out to them. God is love - and so should we be.


Failure in Gay Lives

Quite a number of gay people I know failed miserably in their lives - in Christian but also in worldly standards. Count me in - at least during my gay years. They then oftentimes try to explain that away and to make it look like something good by using moral relativism. Like every good/bad politician they apply their own (usually just invented) standards and consciously or unconsciously zoom out a good part of reality so their lives still look like something to them and - at least they believe - the world.

The problem with that: deep inside they know that's crap. That's one of the reasons their self-worth sometimes is so low. And it does not really help the mental disorders either some of them have if you avoid to face reality.

Examples: Failure in the professional life, overspending and/or financial disaster, many broken partnerships, even broken heterosexual families they once had, broken promises, people they hurt and left behind, broken moral values (even their own!), being developmentally stuck in puberty in some areas of their lives, and many more.

Just take one: Some had heterosexual families before. They broke their marriage vows among others by secretely having same-sex partners. The marriage usually ends at some point and the kids suffer. That is being explained away by saying they can now finally be who they truly are and nonsense like that. A broken family is a broken family and there is no good reason for that. Sometimes they even take the kids to live with them and their new same-sex partner. You really think you are giving your children a good example like that? That they will ever be able to raise a healthy family themselves if this is what they get to see? The sad part about it: society even applauds them for leaving everything behind.

Some live with their same-sex partner after that. They claim all is good and all are "happy". They even take care of him/her when he is sick and handicapped - not without tapping themselves on the shoulders and letting others know how good they really are. Then they start having other sex partners aside and even leave that old one behind. Of course, there are good reasons for that as well and they refuse all offers for help and deny all options for a solution. It is too much for me, it is all the other guy's fault, and - you might guess it already - "I don't love him anymore and I just want to be happy". How many people do you have to hurt to "be happy"?

Others hide behind diseases or disorders as they found out that gives them a good excuse not to assume responsibility and instead do what they want to do without having a bad conscience and without getting a bad reputation.

Some might want to point out examples now where things are differently. Are they really or just on the surfacee? Based on what standards?

I have spent many years in the gay scene and I have seen many people go down. Lots of them are no more, others are physically sick or mentally ill, financially broke or stand in front of their shattered lives - alone and embittered. Yet they will still tell me they are "happy".

No, you are not.